So biazarre. I have this strange relatioship with my blog, whereby it is the only thing that I can turn to as a channel of communication to share my loneliness and mythoughts when I am not really accountable for what I say. My married friends with a child got me so drunk that I can barely contemplate going to a party with my friends. They hang out in their beautiful house in Budapest with their cute child ant their biggest problem is that they might have to move England for work reasons. And yet they are having the best of times and are having a couple of bottles of really great wine on a Saturday with each other (or a friend who happens to be there) and enjoying life. The reason I really like her, the friend, is taht in spite of the fact that she lives a life completely diffenent from mine she is so not judgemental. My other friend with child, preagnant with the next thinks that I will never find myelf a real man or have kids because of the way that I live now. It may be because she has had the luck (?) to find her future husband when she was about 12 and she never even seriously contemplated being with someone else, whereas the other one was married between the ages of 26 and 31 to one guy and then ended up marrying and having a child with a different guy when she turned 32. People tend to be very defensive of their own lives and values and impose that upon others: they think the only way to live right is their way. They do not mean to be mean; they just cannot help it. Is it really that simpele? Is it just by chance that the second woman is not judgemntal because she did not have it so easy? Am I like that too? Do I feel that they are all losers for not living life to the full and not roaming around the worlld looking for excitement and knowledge? I honestly do not feel that way: I truly believe that everyone can make choices that will make them happy and I want to let them be, even if I would not myself choose to live that way. And yet I am frustrated, I am frustrated by the regard (the negative regard?) of others and feel uncertain of my choices even at times when I am satisfied with my choices on the whole. All these f*ckin weddings do not help (the party tonight is yet for another one of those) - just have to acknowledge that these challenge my own choices in a fundamental way and I cannot insulate myself from the values that are implicated. And that makes me unhappy, in theory at least, even when I am happy. Maybe this is similar to relationships: you think that someone expects a certain kind of behaviour from you so you comply even if that entails lies and deceit only to find out that they never expected the things you thought they do to begin with. And then you are only left with the lies and the deceit without the prupose. Perhaps it is the way this works with social conventinons; perhaps the mistaken responses to non-existent expectations screw up your life in ways that are unnecessary. Perhaps that is why I got married - and then divorced when I got my senses back and realized I do not need to comply with anyone's expectations.